Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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