ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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