Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
