you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
