I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
