I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
