I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
