How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there's paper in my vomit.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
