I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
