I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
