I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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