i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
