And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
