since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
