I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
