I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
