There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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