Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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