so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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