At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
