So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
