it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize