I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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