My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Text me some of your sweat
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize