Kiss
Puke
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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