the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize