I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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