I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
