I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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