My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
