drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
