If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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