I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
