I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
