she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
