There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
