cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
