You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
