Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
