Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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