i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize