I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
