Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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