I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
