She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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