Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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