and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
