How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I love you. Go after that dick
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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