If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
