just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
