I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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