OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You are a genius and a whore.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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