By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
