We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
