I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
