Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
