i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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