Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
