I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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